Do a VLookup live in a meeting, ideally on a screen share. If it doesn’t work just blame junior people for failing to properly format the data, if it does you’ll likely be canonised in the future for performing an online miracle.
If you manage people, simply add optional office hours that no one has asked for to your calendar and send around a link for people to book in 15 minutes of your time as needed.
Bcc everyone and highlight that you're adding them "due to demand". It'll remind everyone that you're important and create the illusion that you value their time but also signal to all and sundry that only real heavy hitters can justify more than a quarter of an hour with you.
Start your next presentation with a quote from a historical figure. Something like "we don't know more than we do know" - Galileo. Ideally with a black and white photo of a telescope or a rocket or a beach as the background. It doesn't matter if they said it or not, no one will ever check and you'll be forever known to be wise by association.
If you feel you’re in a work based conversation that’s not going your way simply say “I feel like we’re conflating two different things”. Like it’s close relation “sorry, what are we solving for?” you’ll put yourself back to the top of the intellectual log, reminding the others that you’re a leader who likes to cut through the noise and can simplify what these mouth breathers can’t.
Next time you're in a meeting and someone uses a new and jargony word you feel like you should know the meaning of, simply stop them and ask “in the interests of inclusivity, can you just explain that for the benefit of those on the Hangout who might not know what you mean?”.
You’ll be back in the driver's seat in no time, simultaneously reminding everyone that you’re the type of leader who likes to keep things simple, rather than the one who doesn’t know stuff, whilst also belittling everyone else on the call.
In a client meeting recently at the conclusion someone said “let's keep the updates asynchronous”. I was taken aback and still don’t quite understand, but I think ‘asynchronous updates’ would mean ‘send updates when you have them rather than waiting for the next meeting’. Whatever it meant, I was powerplayed and firmly back in my place.
One of the great disarming powerplays during a meeting is to interrupt and announce to the room “sorry, but can we just…” tail off slightly, then clasp your hands together with index fingers extended in a pistol shape, touch your index fingers to your chin and say “can we take a step back… what are we solving for?”.
You’ll immediately sound wise and strategic and leave no one in any doubt who is at the top of the food chain.
via a friend of mine (hi Marc) shared a meeting opener he’s using at the moment which I loved: “what's your appetite for honesty?”. Lovely stuff. As with all good meeting powerplays it flirts with David Brent ("can I shock you?"), but even knowing this question was coming I'd still be disarmed.
when next in a meeting and presented with an average simply ask “is that the mean? What are the median and the mode?”. They’ll be flustered, you’ll secure your status as the alpha in the room and simultaneously reduce the standard deviation of thoughtless averages presented to you next time (or increase. Whichever one is better. I've no idea).
if you want to look clever in the next one you’re in, simply convert percentages into fractions. “66% of our audience are exposed to mid-funnel before converting”, don’t miss the opportunity to jump in and say “so, two thirds…” then write it down and bathe in the head nodding approval around you.
